National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today |
1-800-799-7233
More than 830,000 men fall victim to domestic violence every year, which means every 37.8 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey. While more than 1.5 million women are also victims, everyone -- no matter their sex --deserves help.
"Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength," says Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. "It's about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man."
There are more than 4,000 domestic violence programs in the U.S., but Brown says very few actually offer the same services to men as they do women. So where can a man turn for support when he is being abused? .
Abuse Against Men
"Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women," says Brown. "It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial."
As with abuse against women, Brown explains that abuse against men can mean a partner or spouse will:
• Withhold approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment
• Criticize, name call, or shout
• Take away your car keys or money
• Regularly threaten to leave or to make you leave
• Threaten to hurt you or a family member
• Punish or deprive your children when angry at you
• Threaten to kidnap the children if you leave
• Abuse or hurt your pets
• Harass you about affairs your spouse imagines you are having
• Manipulate you with lies and contradictions
• Destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances
• Wield a gun/knife in a threatening way
• Hit, kick, shove, punch, bite, spit, or throw things when upset
In one instance, Brown received a letter from a woman who said her brother was being abused by his wife, who would scratch him, throw things at him, point a gun at him, break his eyeglasses, and flush his medications down the toilet -- among other things.
"The sister said in her letter that her brother stitched a cut on his arm himself, with a thread and needle, because his wife had cut him and he didn't want to go to the hospital," says Brown. "Can you imagine being so embarrassed that your wife hits you that you do that?"
Distinguishing Factors
That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, explains Brown: Men -- like this one -- are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it, according to the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men web site, which states men often worry, "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" and "I don't want to be laughed at; no one would believe me."
Another distinguishing factor is that while women who are abused are more likely to be pushed or shoved, beat up, or threatened with a gun, the women who do the abusing are more likely to throw something, kick or bite, hit with an object, threaten with a knife, or actually use a knife, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey.
And perhaps the most important difference is that women who batter may have a greater ability to use the "system" to their advantage.
"Systemic abuse can occur when a woman who is abusing her husband or boyfriend threatens that he will never see his children again if he leaves or reports the abuse," says Philip Cook, program director of Stop Abuse for Everyone. "A man caught in this situation believes that no matter what his wife or girlfriend does, the court is going to give her custody, and this greatly limits his ability to leave.
While this can occur when a woman is being abused, it is more likely to happen when a woman is abusing." Women, explains Cook, who is author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence, may also be able to use the system to their advantage in that they are less likely to be arrested if police are called as a result of a domestic dispute.
"There is no national data on average arrest rates for women in domestic disputes," says Cook. "My best guess is that it's about 20%. But we do know anecdotally that there are many men who, when the police arrive, clearly have the most serious injury, clearly when interviewed separately indicate the female started it, and nonetheless, the man gets arrested. This does indeed happen."
So where can men who are being abused turn for support, and what steps should they take to get out of dangerous situations?
Getting Help
The first step in getting help is reaching out.
"The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men is the only one in the nation that offers support and help in finding resources specifically for men," says Brown, of the not-for-profit helpline.
"We'll provide options and support and help a man understand that the abuse is not his fault and it is not acceptable." The Domestic Abuse Helpline can be reached from anywhere in the US and Canada, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, by calling 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754).
"What people should know is that abuse is about power and control, and regardless of whether the victim is a man or a woman, it is never OK," says Havilah Tower-Perkins, media relations coordinator for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
"We urge anyone whose relationship scares them to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at (800) 799-SAFE (7233) or the TTY line for the deaf: (800) 787-3224. The Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day, year round with live advocates who can answer questions, discuss safety options, and connect callers to resources in their local area. Every call to NDVH is anonymous."
Stopping the Abuse
Other steps for men who are being abused to take include:
• "Never allow yourself to be provoked into any kind of retaliation," says Brown. "We tell men if they have to be in an argument, do it in a room with two doors so they can leave; a lot of times a woman will block the door, the man will try to move her, and that will be enough for him to get arrested."
• "Document everything," says Cook. "Go to your doctor and tell him what happened, even if he doesn't ask how you were injured. Take photographs of your injuries, and make sure if the police are called that they take a report, and get a copy of the report for yourself."
• "Work with an advocate from a domestic violence program to get a restraining order," says Brown. "Not only will this help protect you from an abusive partner, but it will also allow you to ask for temporary custody of your children in order to protect them from the domestic violence."
• Get counseling so you can start healing, and get legal advice, says Cook.
• Talk with your family and friends who can help support you. "They will understand," says Brown.
"Abusers are good at making you feel isolated and alone, but you're not," says Brown. "We get calls from all types of people -- doctors, lawyers, laborers, people in the military. The biggest hurdle they face is finding someone who believes them. If they are believed, they can get help, and that's why we're here."
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Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:
• Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn’t around — or from a friend’s house or other safe location.
• Pack an emergency bag that includes items you’ll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
• Know exactly where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.
Protect your communication and location
An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you’re concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:
• Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.
• Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend’s house to seek help.
• Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.
• Frequently change your email password. Choose passwords that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
• Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser’s instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you’ve viewed.
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Where to seek help
In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:
• Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233). The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.
• Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.
• A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.
• A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.
Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner’s abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.
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Signs of Domestic Abuse
Psychological abuse can look like:
1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.
2. Constant put-downs.
3. Hyper-criticism.
4. Refusing to communicate.
5. Ignoring or excluding you.
6. Extramarital affairs.
7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
9. Unreasonable jealousy.
10. Extreme moodiness.
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
12. Saying “I love you but…”
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
14. Domination and control.
15. Withdrawal of affection.
16. Guilt trips.
17. Making everything your fault.
18. Isolating you from friends and family.
19. Using money to control.
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.
It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you.
Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private is a different story, which is also quite baffling.
Key signs of an abusive relationship
An abusive relationship isn’t just limited to physical violence. It can include sexual, emotional and physical abuse, and may involve control of your finances. Here are some signs to look for.
Possessiveness
• They check on you all the time to see where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.
• They try to control where you go and who you see, and get angry if you don't do what they say.
Jealousy
• They accuse you of being unfaithful or of flirting.
• They isolate you from family and friends, often by behaving rudely to them.
Put-downs
• They put you down, either publicly or privately, by attacking your intelligence, looks, mental health or capabilities.
• They constantly compare you unfavorably to others.
• They blame you for all the problems in your relationship, and for their violent outbursts.
• They say things like, 'No one else will want you.'
Threats
• They yell or sulk, and deliberately break things that you value.
• They threaten to use violence against you, your family, friends or a pet.
Physical and sexual violence
• They push, shove, hit or grab you, or make you have sex or do things you don't want to do.
• They harm you, your pets or your family members.
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Things you might feel in an abusive relationship
'My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me'
Your violent partner may act loving towards you at other times and may truly feel sorry for their horrible behavior. So, it might be hard to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is quite a high chance that their violent behavior will continue. Abusers can be super-charming people, especially if they’re trying to make you or others see them in a good light.
'Things will get better – they didn't mean it'
After a violent episode, it's common for both you and your abuser to try and downplay what happened with excuses, apologies or promises to change. Things might settle down for a bit, but it’s often only a matter of time before it happens again. Abusive behavior is very difficult to change, and usually requires professional help.
'It's so confusing – I'm sure it's a one-off'
If you’re experiencing abuse, things can feel really confusing, especially if it's your first relationship. You might not be sure what to expect next. Abusers often try to influence your sense of what’s real, to make you feel confused or even that you’re going crazy. (This is known as ‘gas-lighting’.) Statistically, though, if someone behaves violently once, they’re very likely to do it again.
'Maybe it's my fault'
You may begin to think that you’re to blame for your partner’s abusive behavior. An abuser may excuse their behavior by saying something like, 'It wouldn't have happened if you hadn’t…' The truth is that no matter what you do, another person’s abusive behavior is never your fault.
'I'm scared of what will happen if I leave them'
It’s not unusual to feel afraid of leaving the person who’s abusing you. You might feel unsafe, or scared of what the person might do to you or themselves. You might also feel that you aren’t capable of making it on your own. It’s important to remember that there are people who can help you every step of the way.
National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233